A totally organic experience?

I washed my hair with Herbal Essences last night, and I don't know what all the hype is all about. The woman in the commercial really seemed to be enjoying her shampoo (I hate those ads, by the way). Maybe I wasn't doing it right.

Husbands, who needs 'em?

Well, now that I have the shiatsu massaging chair pad I was coveting last November, I no longer require a man to fill that need. I can get a back massage anytime of day I want (and there is no payback)! I certainly couldn't say that for my husband, even the very best of husbands can't meet that expectation (nor can the best of wives for that matter). It is one of those simple pleasures that helps get me through the day, and was made possible by some royal money, or I should say advance royalty money that Mom spread around to us offspring. Thanks, Mom- you can come over and try it out anytime you want.

Hello puffy eyes

Another one of those days, where I am on the verge of tears... I am such a mess.

We all slept in, which was a nice treat, and so we went to the later "Epic" service at church. It is a contemporary service, and I am more of a traditional girl, but it isn't bad, the music seems to be too emotional for me, and today that was not a good thing. I started to cry in the beginning, but just a few little tear drops, no biggie. Then there was this video drama presentation about loving your neighbor where a birthday party is thrown for a "working-girl", and that turned my optical faucets on a little bit more. But it was at this song near the end that I just couldn't contain my sorrow, then my friend placed her hand on my shoulder and it just began to pour.

I hate crying in public. I don't like to draw attention to myself in that way, but when I cry it is hard to hide it. My eyes get puffy and the whites turn pink, my whole face gets blotchy and my nose and upper lip swell slightly. So I rushed to the Ladies right after and tried to "pull myself together" after another bout of heavy tears. A few tissues and deep breaths later, I freshened my lipstick and dried my eyes and headed down to pick up my kids. It is embarrassing to walk around looking like that in a crowd of people, especially when those people know you and are concerned about you. I tried keeping my head down to avert any glances. "Oh, hello puffy eyes," my friend from WOW said as she came up to give me a sympathetic squeeze. Oh, well. Church is supposed to be the one place where you can weep and be comforted, and shouldn't feel dumb or embarrassed about it.

No clue!

I think what makes me madder than anything else, is that M is completely clueless about what he has done. "You have the life you've always wanted, you have a furnished home, a family, you don't have to work..." BULLSH*T!!! I work double-time, over-time, and all the time! I have a broken family, and yes, I have a furnished home --that belongs to my parents. Oh, yes all my dreams have been actualized, I can die contented and perfectly at peace with the world. (That is my sarcasm talking, if you didn't notice). Okay, so the journalling and drawing didn't vent out all the anger, but it did help.

Anger Management

I have discovered a nastiness that dwells inside me called anger. The past year (or two, or three) has given me many a good reason to be angry, and I have held on to this darkness and turned it inward. What happens to a person who holds in their anger? Well on Christmas Eve, I learned one of the effects: an emotional "snap". I got to my breaking point, and couldn't hold it in any more. So I have been advised to write, to write, and to write some more. But of course I must not write it all here, because it is far too personal, and dangerous. I must write without censure, and empty myself on pages to rid myself of the rage I feel towards M and towards the whole stinking situation. I have tried this once already this week, and it has helped me greatly, I felt lighter afterward. It is not good to hold in so much emotion, it can make one sick. Really physically sick. The important thing, of course, is to release this rage in healthful, non-harming of others, kinds of ways. I am exploring those avenues...

Season's survival

I miraculously survived the onslaught of emotion that came with the holiday season. On top of the expected stress of dealing with the one year anniversary of my rejection as wife and my first Christmas as a single mom, there were two deaths- a miscarriage of my sister's unborn child, and also the sister of my brother-in-law. On top of all of this I had for some odd reason decided to read through some of my old journals from around the time when my own sister took her life. Am I a glutton for punishment? I don't think so, but when you are down you can't sink any lower. I have also been finding I have an unquenchable desire for affection and specifically male attention. (Oh, but don't worry--that doesn't mean I am getting it) But it was comforting to discover when I was out dancing with my girlfriends last week, that I haven't really lowered my standards. I was just as repulsed by the drunk-smelly-greasy guy that was hitting on me as I would normally have been.

It is really hard to be rejected and abandoned, and still be legally bound to that man who is causing me so much pain. I am in no-man's-land. I am single yet married, alone but bound and I want to be free. I want to be free from the guilt-ridden comments of M, free of his desire to "still be friends", and I want to be free to receive the kind of affection and attention that I so longingly crave. Yet I know that to receive it now would only be numbing the pain temporarily. It was even so for those two months when M moved back in over the summer- I was conscious of it then too--but at least the hurt has lessened some since then.

So this is the year of 2005, the year of my "Great Divorce" and I hope the year of beginning new and wonderful things. If all goes according to expectation, by this time next year, I should be a legally "free" woman.