Best said in song

Sometimes it is hard to find our own words to communicate how we feel, and then we hear a song that says it better than we ever could. "Honestly" by Annie Lennox does that for me today, yesterday and last year:

The beauty that you gave
Has turned upon itself
And all the things you said
Evaporated
Evaporated ...
Was I blind
Deaf and dumb
To the words slipped from yur tongue?

Honestly ... honestly ... honestly
Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head ... still
It seems to be true
That nothin' I do
Can influence you ...

I tried and tried again
(Don't you know I tried and tried again
to make you listen to me
But everything I said it always seemed to go right through you)
To make you notice me
(I turned myself into a person that I didn't like
But please believe me when I say I know it wasn't right)
But talking to myself
(I never thought that things would
get to be so complicated
I never thought that you and me would end up so frustrated)
Won't catch you attention I see ...
(You'd think that something had to come from all those good intentions
But in the end I needed something more than intervention)

Was I mad?
Was I ... mad?
Foolish me
Foolish ... me
To succumb so easily
To suc...cumb
Easi...ly
So easily
So easily

Honestly... honestly... honestly...
(Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head ... still
It seems to be true
That nothin' I do
Can influence you... still)

Fools like me get so easily taken
And fools like me can be so mistaken

Honestly... Honestly... Honestly

The promise that you gave
(Don't you know the promise that you
gave just turned it's back upon me
I stopped believing but you couldn't take the whole thing from me)
Has turned it's back
(I never thought I'd have to pay the price to set you free)
And all you represented
Was just my projection you see...
(You know I never thought I'd ever
live a day without you
And that's the reason why
it makes me sad to think about you
and you know I never thought
I'd make it if you wasn't there
And now I'm tryin' to eject myself
from this despair)

People come
People go...
Never say I "told you so"
Honestly

Everything I know you said
Goin' round inside my head

Never thought I'd see the day
Always got a price to pay

Nothin' that I ever do
Ever seems to get to you

insecurities

Today I just had one of those weird flashback thoughts to a conversation I had in high school.
It was something I remember a friend said about her parents and how they only talk about bathroom tiles anymore (they were in the midst of remodeling). I was wondering what is it about us that makes us fall into those mundane conversations. I mean, is it just normal life stuff? Sometimes we need to talk about those mundane things, afterall they are a part of our lives. I was wondering for myself as one of my insecurities has been creeping up on me about not being stimulating conversation--how long will it take the next man in my life to get bored with me. I try to push these thoughts aside, but they have been creeping in a lot more lately. I've been thinking up these longs lists of reasons why I am "undesirable" and caught myself making one while I was taking a walk the other day, and finally I said out loud (so I would really hear myself) "Joyella, stop it. Now make a list about all the things that are desirable about you," and that helped some.

So where are they now?

I was just digging through my own personal archives looking for the Valentine poem M wrote me four years ago. I couldn't find it, but I did find the Data Match results from my senior year. (Data Match was a Valentine's Day fund-raiser to match up people based on a survey they we took.)
The highest compatibility score was 61% of questions that we answered the same (not so good).
Paul MacDonald 61
Robert McClelland 61
Doug Dollenberg 58
Josh Green 58
Chris Held 58
Min Ryoo 58
Titus Abraham 55
Jim Hoffmeister 52
Keith Kleiner 52
Adam Treanor 52
Kevin Urch 52
Justin Jones 49
Mark Vanosnabrugg 49
John Clarkson 46

So of all these boys, I had actual crushes on four of them. The rest were all quiet nerdy/geeky or just plain wierd types. One factor I know which influenced my survey, was the issue of faith. I happen to know a handful of these guys were Christian (in a loose sense), Jewish, and Muslim. Apparently it wasn't really matching the kind of faith to my own, only the fact that we have one and find it important. Funny. I wonder where these guys are now...maybe I'll google a few and find out.