Birthdays

Today is my youngest child's birthday, her first birthday. Today was also a visitation day with the kids' dad. This has been the third birthday of the year of my three children to be celebrated without daddy at home. The first one was K, in March and fortunately for me, we were in California visiting family and celebrated there. But we also had a little party before our trip with in-laws and also an outing to Chuck E. Cheese with their father. It was a little awkward, but I felt a great surge of support from my in-laws at the time, and it seemed like M and I would be getting back together, so it wasn't unbearable. D's birthday was last month, and fortunately we were in North Carolina visiting with family at the beach, so we just celebrated there. This one however, we are in our home town for, so I have felt the pressure of throwing a party. I have been asked by several of my in-laws if I am having one, to which I awkwardly replied, "No parties this year." Today M took the children to Cafe Hon with his mother and one of his sisters to have a little celebration there. As I watched them all walk off with bags and balloons after dropping L off, I thought to myself, "So this is how it is going to be now: two homes, two birthdays, two different worlds." Tomorrow we will have a little celebration with Oma, and the god-parents and their little guy. Maybe by the time March rolls around again, I will feel ready to throw a party again. K will be turning six, and I am pretty sure he wants a "kid party" so I will not feel all the pressure to invite every aunt and uncle and cousin, which may make it less stressful. Although, I have never thrown a "kid party" before, so that presents its own set of challenges there.

"It's not you, it's me"

These are the famous break-up words that we all know too well, either from experience, or from Jerry Seinfeld. I have heard them all too many times over the past ten months, and am beginning to think that there is some truth in that statement. It is all too easy to take this whole separation personally, as a personal rejection, which in some ways it is. That is really hard. Not that I think I am perfect, no, but that after ten years of marriage and three before that of dating, one would think that there is something worth holding on to there. But it isn't really about me, it is about M's discontent. His world view, morality, and values have all shifted to center, not on God, but on himself. This new perspective doesn't jive with the sacrifices and intimacy required to make a marriage work. Marriage, I believe, is intrinsically good. It was instituted by our creator, and intended to bring about good. "It is not good for man to be alone." M used to agree with me here, I remember listening to a Mars Hill audio tape on the subject years ago, and how in agreement we were as we listened. He no longer holds this view either, it has been replaced with the idea that marriage is simply a social construct that helps to provide stability for children and society.

So I have failed to provide him with any really good excuses to leave, other than the fact that he doesn't want to be married, (or should I say, isn't sure about it) and that above all, he values autonomy. Hmmm. If only I were mean, grotesque (two points he himself sited), a bad cook or brutal mother would I understand this rejection, but then again, it isn't me, it's him.

"I told daddy..."

Last night while at table with K and D, K told me that he invited daddy to come over sometime. He was very excited as he said this, "I told daddy that he can come over when ever he wants to, so he can see some of my toys that I can't take over there."
"What did you want to show him?" I calmly asked.
"Well, I want to show him the light saber I made and how I stick my flashlight into it to make it light up," K replied.
"You can take that to daddy's house to show him, it's not too big," I suggested, not wanting to get into the fact that I don't want daddy visiting over here anymore.
"Okay," he said, (I think it worked).

I know eventually I am going to have to answer some of the harder questions, and tell them what is really happening with mommy and daddy. They are so young, and I think that only K can begin to grasp the concept, the other two are less in tune. Although, last week as I was laying down with D at bedtime, D said, "Mommy, I yike being here."
"I like it when you are here too," I said.
"We have two homes now," D added, "our home and daddy's home. (pause) That's okay."

I am not sure if he was repeating something M said at their previous visit, or if he was processing the change, perhaps a little of both.

Fresh Start

I have been advised to attend a program called Fresh Start, it is a kind of workshop/support group for separated and divorced people. Also the book "Starting Over" has been recommended. I looked into the Fresh Start workshop, but couldn't find anything that was current. All the info via the net was for last year sometime. Hmmmm. A support group. Didn't I say I didn't want to do that? Well, I am discovering that I don't know the first thing about being single, I never really have been single, so I am open to getting some outside help. Should be interesting......

My new best friend

I have recently met someone who I really like and am getting to know better each day. This person was sort of a stranger for many years because I had neglected my relationship with her. It's me. I am learning to appreciate myself, more importantly to show myself that I appreciate myself, by taking care of me. How do I do this? Well it may seem really simple for most people, but it is a new concept for me. First, when I notice that I have a need or a want, I acknowledge that fact. Then I see what I can do to fulfil it. For example, I knew a month back that I was in need of companionship, so I called to all my girlfriends and said, "Hey, I need to hang out with people on these two nights, because I don't want to be alone." And you know what, I had my need met.(See "Tonight I sailed into the sunset.) Amazing. Another example, today I really was tired, but I felt that I needed to do something to take care of myself while the kids were with M. So I had my haircut. I needed a trim, and also really like how it feels to have a shampoo, so I did it. An immediate mood lifter. Nothing like a scalp massage. These are simple things, but for a very long time, I would stuff these kinds of needs way down. I would sacrifice for various reasons, not that sacrifice is bad, it is part of parenting, but we do need to take care of ourselves to be the best parents we can be.
Here are some things I enjoy with my new best friend: walking, reading, blogging, going shopping, visiting the library, having tea, taking a long hot shower, hula hooping, painting toenails, getting hair cuts, sewing and more. I also like how my new friend isn't jealous of my other friendships, she has no problem sharing me, she is great that way. : )

Milk run

The other night it dawned on me that we were just about to run out of milk. It was about fifteen minutes before the boys needed to go to bed, and L was already snoozing. What to do, what to do? This is what single mothers do, they don't buy the milk. Or if they are terribly irresponsible, they wait until their children are sleeping and they slip out to the store. I waited until the next day, and took all three kids to the store for the milk run. One of my friends said I am her hero for shopping with all three. It isn't ideal, but I am getting used to it.