Where did it go?

I was looking for some stuff to put up in my attic and found a bunch of cards and letters from M. I even read a few. Tears rolled down my face and there was definitely a sting in my heart as I read the words scrawled before me:

This one was just weeks before our son was born in 1999.

Amare es amaretibi
Avere es vita sine te
In vita esse es aeternitas cum te

To love is to love you
To long is life without you
To be alive is eternity with you

Here's a bit of one from our anniversary in 1997:

...I am convinced that life without you would be bleak at best (short of my faith in the Lord).... I know that we are one and not solely in flesh, but fused together in all the ramifications of our being. I love you Joyella. And even though I have not captured the full meaning of that expression I will gain a stronger understanding as the years skip on by.

This one has no date on it:

...Joyella, I want to make it clear there is no life without you. Over the past several years I have grown to see things in terms of the two of us. You are a vital part of my existence as a companion, lover and friend. I can't imagine how sterile life would be without your colorful being which prompts me to laughter, joy and passion. You have been a great encourager.....There is no life I'd rather have, than this that the Lord gave me. ...

But it wasn't heart-wrenching agony to read them. I still am puzzled (especially when I read stuff like this) about what happened, and when exactly it all began to fall apart. I read some letters from M a year and a half ago and it would have been less painful to stab me with little knives. I know I am healing. It still hurts, but not the kind of pain I want to medicate anymore, it's more of an ache or sting that flares up from time to time, but goes as quickly as it comes. I am made well by the Love of God manifested to me in Jesus Christ who loves and cherishes me even when I feel utterly unloveable.

Not that I really expected anything....

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. M had the kids for dinner, and didn't even acknowledge it was my birthday. Last year he gave me a very insensitive book called "Against Love". His birthday was a couple months ago, I let the boys pick out a gift for him, they chose a Star Wars T-shirt.

It's just that we've known each other for like 20 years, so I thought he might remember with a "happy birthday", you know, since we are trying to be all "friendly" and all....whatever.

update: M called this morning and left a message on my voicemail wishing me a happy birthday and other nonsense about how he completely forgot. At least this year I know exactly where I stand with him, an afterthought, and I'm completely okay with that.