Green beans

My mother just brought me back some fresh green beans from the market and I thought it would be good timing to write my green bean story.

The first time I went to the grocery store after M left me (back in Jan 04) I had a complete breakdown. It started with the green beans. I needed to pick up some veggies, and I usually decide what they will be upon entering the produce department. I love green beans, but seldom made them because M hates them. I realized that I could get them, because he wouldn't be having them, and I started to cry as I put a few handfuls into the plastic bag. Not only was it riddiculus to cry over beans, but it was made plain to me that I had been depriving myself of simple pleasures for the sake of M. He never told me or asked me to not make green beans. He wouldn't really even have cared if I made them, he just wouldn't eat them, but I felt that by making them it would be selfish or something. Maybe I feared the negative remark that would have probably been precipitated, I don't know exactly. It just became so clear that this was just one tiny aspect of myself that I had turned off. As I regained my composure and continued to shop, I broke down one more time. It had dawned on me that my whole mindset as I walked the aisles was "What does M like? What would M want? Does M need this?" I wasn't shopping for him anymore, I needed to confront those same questions for myself, but in much deeper ways.

The other part of the story was that I also realized that as I tried to act normal and happy while shopping, that I was miserable. And if I was miserable, how many other people in the store right then were unhappy, or troubled about something? It made me want to be kinder to everyone, as I thought how much better I felt receiving the kindnesses of strangers. I wanted to spread that around too, even if I am a bit shy with strangers.

Codependent no more

We hear the term "codependent" thrown around a lot in pop psychology, but as I have found, not many of us lay folk really understand what it means to be codependent. I have been reading up on the subject, as it relates to my particular situation, and this is what I have learned:

You could be codependent if:
*you have an over or underdeveloped sense of responsibility
*you "stuff" your feelings, have lost the ability to feel or express feelings because it hurts too much
*physically/emotionally isolated and are afraid of people, especially authority figures
*are addicted to approval/excitement and have lost own identity in the process
*living as a victim
*judge self harshly and/or have low self-esteem
*very dependent and terrified of abandonment
*experience guilt feelings when standing up for onesself
*have become chemically dependent or compulsive

But, codependency, as I have experienced it is simply a losing of my identity to please someone else, or to avoid anger, rejection, or to receive love and acceptance. Put simply, in a codependent relationship, only one person's needs are being met at the expense of the other person's.

Perhaps one of the things that brought the conflict of M and myself to a head was my beginning to stand up for myself in regards to my faith. I was no longer conforming to his identity, and he had even said he hoped I would join him on this "project" (of agnosticism). It was his change that forced me to stand up for myself. I had no idea that it would cost me so much at the time, I just knew that it was right. I could not deny Christ for the sake of my marriage.

So here I am, figuring out what went so horribly wrong, and how to make myself better, stronger and less susceptible to repeating the same mistakes. I have become much more confident in many areas, I am even friendlier to strangers (but that is another story-perhaps I will write about the greenbeans another day), I have been forced to make many decisions and take on many responsibilities, but also have learned to seek out help and support when I need it. I feel pretty good about what I have gained thus far, I am not sure it makes up for my losses at this point, however, I am much healthier and that is a good thing.

Happy Birthday, indeed!

M gave me this lovely book called "Against Love: a polemic" by Laura Kipnis. Before I throw it into the fire, I thought I would try to read a little, it can't be that bad. Oh, but it is. Like when he loaned me his Duran Duran tape in 1986, and I imagined that every song was personally dedicated to me, this book is his reason for leaving me. I can't stand to have that dagger wiggled and jiggled in my heart while I read all that Laura has to say against love.

What baffles my mind is how someone can be so blind to the love they have received, to not even recognize it, to not know what love is-to say that no one knows. How does this happen? God is Love. But M has rejected God and all His goodness, included the love of a spouse.

Not a very happy day, but feeling slightly revived after hot strawberry champagne bath and cranberry hard cider.