Green beans

My mother just brought me back some fresh green beans from the market and I thought it would be good timing to write my green bean story.

The first time I went to the grocery store after M left me (back in Jan 04) I had a complete breakdown. It started with the green beans. I needed to pick up some veggies, and I usually decide what they will be upon entering the produce department. I love green beans, but seldom made them because M hates them. I realized that I could get them, because he wouldn't be having them, and I started to cry as I put a few handfuls into the plastic bag. Not only was it riddiculus to cry over beans, but it was made plain to me that I had been depriving myself of simple pleasures for the sake of M. He never told me or asked me to not make green beans. He wouldn't really even have cared if I made them, he just wouldn't eat them, but I felt that by making them it would be selfish or something. Maybe I feared the negative remark that would have probably been precipitated, I don't know exactly. It just became so clear that this was just one tiny aspect of myself that I had turned off. As I regained my composure and continued to shop, I broke down one more time. It had dawned on me that my whole mindset as I walked the aisles was "What does M like? What would M want? Does M need this?" I wasn't shopping for him anymore, I needed to confront those same questions for myself, but in much deeper ways.

The other part of the story was that I also realized that as I tried to act normal and happy while shopping, that I was miserable. And if I was miserable, how many other people in the store right then were unhappy, or troubled about something? It made me want to be kinder to everyone, as I thought how much better I felt receiving the kindnesses of strangers. I wanted to spread that around too, even if I am a bit shy with strangers.