Season's survival

I miraculously survived the onslaught of emotion that came with the holiday season. On top of the expected stress of dealing with the one year anniversary of my rejection as wife and my first Christmas as a single mom, there were two deaths- a miscarriage of my sister's unborn child, and also the sister of my brother-in-law. On top of all of this I had for some odd reason decided to read through some of my old journals from around the time when my own sister took her life. Am I a glutton for punishment? I don't think so, but when you are down you can't sink any lower. I have also been finding I have an unquenchable desire for affection and specifically male attention. (Oh, but don't worry--that doesn't mean I am getting it) But it was comforting to discover when I was out dancing with my girlfriends last week, that I haven't really lowered my standards. I was just as repulsed by the drunk-smelly-greasy guy that was hitting on me as I would normally have been.

It is really hard to be rejected and abandoned, and still be legally bound to that man who is causing me so much pain. I am in no-man's-land. I am single yet married, alone but bound and I want to be free. I want to be free from the guilt-ridden comments of M, free of his desire to "still be friends", and I want to be free to receive the kind of affection and attention that I so longingly crave. Yet I know that to receive it now would only be numbing the pain temporarily. It was even so for those two months when M moved back in over the summer- I was conscious of it then too--but at least the hurt has lessened some since then.

So this is the year of 2005, the year of my "Great Divorce" and I hope the year of beginning new and wonderful things. If all goes according to expectation, by this time next year, I should be a legally "free" woman.