Closing in on a year now...

...I've been separated from my soon-to-be-exhusband now for about ten months... Perhaps this is why I've been feeling sadder than usual the past two weeks, knowing that it is almost at the end when our divorce will become final. It is a complicated set of emotions involved. I cried yesterday when I was cleaning out my closet and came across a picture of me and him from the summer after he graduated highschool. It was taken at a show his band was having at his friend's house (outside), and I was up at the mike with him. We were so happy then.....

The tears didn't last long. The thoughts I was having when I cried were, "Why didn't he fight for us?" "Why didn't he value me/our marriage any longer?" "Why did I marry someone who could toss me aside so easily?" "I deserved better" and then the tears ceased. We have such a long history together, it is almost overwhelming. Sometimes I feel sad because I feel like my memories of that period of my life are fading away....not that I really want to dwell on those memories, but when my sister died (I was 16 then) I kept her alive in my memory by talking about her. Remembering her to my friends and family really helped me, because I missed (I still miss her) her so much. It brought her back to me in a way.... Divorce is so different. I don't want to "bring him back", I want to move on and get over it, and yet a large chunk (like 16 years or more) of memories are all tangled up with him. It is hard to remember anything from my youth that doesn't include him, and I often find myself still saying the collective "we" about things I've done (with him). There is no "we" anymore. Just me, just me and the children, which at times is "we" but not in the same way. I have been carving out new memories for myself over the past year. I've taken trips, and gone on outings, visited with friends, tried new things......that helps some. The reality that has hit me recently is that divorce won't end any of this. I had thought (hoped) the finality of a divorce would, but there will still be the weekend visits the kids have with dad, and the midweek evening visit. I will never really be rid of him.....Where is the closure?

Sometimes I think we could actually be friends....this lasts for a little while, I try being more cordial at our next interaction. It goes fine. But then later, I feel angry still. He still teases me about stupid stuff, he cuts me down--it doesn't work on me anymore. His opinions have no value to me anymore. He has no right to enjoy my company, the pleasure of my conversation. Is this being childish? vengeful? I don't think so. He wronged me in the the most extreme way, and I can forgive that, but that doesn't mean I continue in a friendship with him. Forgiveness is more about not wanting anything back (recompense) from the wrong-doer. Letting it go. I believe I have done that. I don't want anything from him, not even an apology...I just would prefer if I didn't have to deal with him anymore. The sad fact is he is my children's father.... and he always will be.